Friendships...

It took me til year 8-9 to be able to make a solid couple of friends. There has been so many times after then that I'd make new friends and I feel like maybe they could last for a long time then as usual something happens and I end up being hurt.
One group was great we hung out every possible day through high school and then it all changed, I started hanging out with a new group of ppl not leaving the old friends out and one got really jealous an she attempted (only for attention) to cut her wrist so I would feel guilted back to only hanging with her and our other friend.
Her exact words were if you won't just be our friend I'll kill myself.... Not much of a friend to do that I feel!! I lost it at her and told her to do whatever the fuck she wants etc...
This fight caused her to take my other friend off me and I was back to the search for friends again. Yay!
I left school at 16 and actually had no friends but a girl I had known for a long time but never hung out and I started hanging out this lasted a year 'ish' she and her friends were right into drugs which I was not new to but never as much as they were. The friendship ended and I was left hurt again...

So now 17 and no friends I hung out with older ppl and would watch their kids at night so they could go out... Felt used after a while and when I hit 18 I stopped seeing them.

I ended up just hanging with my sister and her friends (much to her dismay) and this was how I met my husband!! Never had a falling out with my sis or her friends so that was good! I actually became close with one girl who is still friends with me today at 28 (we have had ALOT of ups n downs) she also happens to be my husbands cousin :)

Through the last 10 years I've managed to make three great friends that have not shit in my face so to speak!!
There have been many through this time and that have done just that they've not only used me but would continuously lie to ppl about me and basically treat me like shit!

I don't find making friends easy at all and I find that I never really find the trust worthy ones either!!

On the upside I am moving at the end of the year and will not have to see or associate any of the ppl that have hurt me over the years anymore!! I will be starting fresh and I am hoping I can finally make some friends that are good people and that I can have for a very long time!

Stresses....

Life is filled with so many stresses!
We stress for all sorts of reasons and I think for most of the world the biggest stress is money...!

I know I have severe anxiety attacks about our financial situation which every night I pace the house, I cry, I
wash my face continuously to try and snap out of it, I spend the Entire night trying to get past it!
If you've never had an anxiety attack then you don't know how it affects your entire body making it tense up and feel like knots all through it...

Well what can we do to stop it...? Get more money? pfft!!
Ok so here's why working a standard job or part time for me is not an option!

I have 3 children! They require care and drop off and pick up for school etc..
The cost of childcare (which is going up again) is too much for us to afford and would take the majority of my pay...
I would also lose what little money I get from the government (its not even as much as my hubby pays in tax..) so we would then lose more money than I'd make...
So I need to study and become qualified in something! Right!?

Having a qualification (like a cert3 even) would give me more of a career and I can then get a better paying job!

Ok as you've guessed I have searched and found exactly what I want to do and found the cheapest possible option for me to achieve this!

Why aren't I studying already? Well we still can't afford it...

We have ALOT OF DEBT in the thousands...

We have tried to consolidate... No luck we've tried other banks etc no luck we feel like what we are trying now is our last chance If it fails we will just fall deeper and deeper into our hole and will need to sell everything! Yep our cars our house the lot...

I'm sick of hearing money doesn't buy happiness I don't want to buy happiness I need money to live....

My husband works 45-50 hours per week and he works damn hard for little or no reward!!
It was fine to start with just one wage and now we have 3 children it's become soo much harder to live!

I am praying that this all goes through now it really is our last chance...

Well there's my biggest stress of all!!

A fear

I have a fear of not being good enough...
I want to be so many things and do so much yet when I find a hurdle I call defeat and let my dream go... I have a fear of succeeding also!

I've always been made to feel I'll never be anything so why waist everyones time...!?

I have very few people that support me and I have even less to push me to be more... They allow me to concede defeat.
I know it shouldn't matter what other think of me or what others say nor their expectations of me I need only worry about myself...yet... I can't I am afraid to put faith in myself and let my self down again and again if yes IF I happen to fail...

It's ridiculous I know!! It's really very hard to trust in myself that I can do something anything and be great at it when I've only ever heard from anyone is that I can't that I'll never make it as anything...!
It really is a soul crusher.. It breaks you down piece by piece until you have no confidence or will left to push yourself into anything!

I am not making excuses for never pushing myself as I know it is my battle and noone else's!

A fear of failure and being proved that they were all right is not the fear that keeps me up at night...
A fear of success is my point of anxiety... WHY?? I just don't know why I have this fear...!